


They Closed Their Eyes and Prayed You Would Change

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A Lot of Death, M/M, Self Harm, a lot of church, sorry - Freeform, this is a very anti-zoe type of deal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 08:41:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13050489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The halls of the school felt huge. Students were all crowded around Zoe Murphy’s short frame.He didn’t investigate.He already knew why.





	They Closed Their Eyes and Prayed You Would Change

**Author's Note:**

> Twin Sized Matress by The Front Bottoms is to blame for this

Eastside Baptist Church’s community was tight knit, everyone knew everyone. That’s how small towns worked. 

No matter the demands of her work, Heidi Hansen made sure she was there every Sunday morning with her son in tow. No, Evan didn’t care for some of the crazy religious things, but he believed in something. 

He knew his mom blamed herself for everything. He’d seen her crying in the living room after she thought he was asleep. Evan Hansen was a cracked window pane, and she was trying so hard to keep him from shattering. If going to church gave her hope that he was sane, he would do it without hesitation. 

The church’s most active family had to be the Murphy’s. They were picture perfect christians. Larry Murphy was tall and well aged with a good paying job in the law field. His wife, Cynthia, worked from home. She had been head of the PTA since before she even had children. 

Their daughter, Zoe, was a year younger than Evan. She played guitar and had the softest smile Evan thought he’d ever seen. 

Their son, Connor, was the fault that they tried oh so hard to cover. He was tall and lanky, with brown hair (which Evan learned later was truly dirty blonde) falling to his shoulders. Kids flinched away from him, and his family stood in the pew across from Evan’s every morning with a foot between them. 

He was never sure what began their friendship, but they became closer than either had been with anyone else. 

Connor showed him the paintings he’d done in middle school that his parents had hidden in the back of a closet. Evan showed him the emails addressed to his father that sat unsent in his drafts folder. 

Connor showed him the red lines that covered his stomach and thighs. Their color contrasting against his ghostly white skin. 

Nightmares of Connor slicing open his stomach filled Evan’s head for weeks. 

Evan showed him the clearing that he hid in. The place where he went to ease his nerves or think. 

“Got a crush, Hansen?” Connor had asked, almost accused.

“Nope.”

“I call bullshit.”

“I mean, yeah, I guess? I’ve liked her since, like, seventh grade?” Maybe he was just imagining the flash of disappointment in Connor’s eyes. 

“Who’s the lucky lady?” 

“Don’t be mad-“ Evan had learned early on that lying to him was pointless. 

“It’s my sister, isn’t it,” Connor looked oddly calm. 

“I-“

“Don’t apologize. Of course it is! You two will be the next magazine cover christians! Zoe Hansen? Sounds absolutely religious.” Connor spat. He was clearly mad now. 

“Why are you getting so worked up about it? You know I don’t care for church,” Evan crossed his arms. 

“Neither does Zoe.”

Evan stared at him in confusion. 

“I know all you see is perfect princess, because that’s what everyone sees, but you don’t know her,” he didn’t elaborate. 

Connor’s hand was against his cheek before he could blink. 

“Evan, you deserve better than her,” he stated, and Evan recognized a softness in his eyes that he’d never seen before. 

“Are you implying that you’re better?” Evan barely whispered, but he knew Connor heard it. 

Connor recoiled, his hand jerking away. “No. I’m not.”

Evan watched him, expecting him to run. 

He didn’t. 

“Yes, you are,” and Evan didn’t know what made him say it, but he knew it was true. 

The next day in school, Zoe Murphy asked him for a pencil in the middle of the hallway. Without hesitation, Evan handed her one. He didn’t miss it when she twisted a piece of hair behind her ear, and two days ago he would’ve swooned. Except he’d seen Connor do it, and he looked better. 

That night, he wakes to a shadow crawling through his window. He opened his mouth to shriek, but Connor’s voice told him not to. 

Too tired to question, Evan let the boy’s cold figure into his bed. 

For weeks he woke to Connor’s arms around him. A month from his first appearance, he told Evan he loved him. 

They relearned each other until Evan had every aspect of his boy etched into his head. The distinct blue of his veins that showed through his pale skin from the tips of his fingers to his eyelids, neck, and chest. The way ribs weren’t as visible as they felt. The way his irises resembled paint. 

He was in love. 

The second day of senior year, Connor didn’t show up to school. That night a new figure showed up in his window. 

“What’d they do to you,” Evan’s voice had wavered as soon as he realized it was in fact Connor. 

His only answer was a shake of his head. 

His hair was short, shorter than Evan’s, and bandages were haphazardly wrapped against his arm. 

“Answer me! What did they do? Connor, what the hell did they do?” this wasn’t Evan’s boy. This wasn’t Connor Murphy. 

He opened his mouth to yell again, but Connor’s lips met his. The kiss was long and tender. It was the soft kiss he always received before they fell asleep together. 

Connor turned and climbed back through the window while Evan sat stunned. 

He realized what it meant. 

He ran, screaming like hell, through the house and out of the front door. His bare feet hit asphalt. Connor’s shadow was nowhere to be seen, and his breath was coming too fast. 

Evan’s world went black. 

The halls of the school felt huge. Students were all crowded around Zoe Murphy’s short frame. 

He didn’t investigate. 

He already knew why. 

At church that Sunday, Heidi greeted the Murphy’s and told them she was sorry for their loss. Their thankful nods seemed rehearsed. 

“I’m sorry Connor’s gone,” Evan told Zoe when their parents had walked away. 

“Yeah,” she agreed. 

“Aren’t you?” he looked at her in confusion. 

“Oh, of course,” she nodded, but in her eyes he could see the lie. She wasn’t even phased. 

Zoe Murphy wasn’t sorry for her brother’s death. 

Connor had been right, Evan realized. 

He didn’t want to think about it anymore.


End file.
